Nothing Rips Through Me
by ahsfoxxay
Summary: JJ isn't buying Emily's "compartmentalization" skills. There are some things you can't divide and categorize to be placed in a box to be forgotten and JJ intends to find out what they are.
1. Chapter 1

The throbbing in her arm intensified as she leaned heavily against the sink, sagging her shoulders in an attempt to relieve the stress she was under physically and emotionally. JJ had seen dead bodies before, in fact it seemed she couldn't escape them; hundreds of files of cases of horrific murders coming across her desk a day. But she had never before seen someones entire being become reduced to chunks and puddles, scattered across the floor. The victim, Helen Douglass, had been completely torn apart and JJ was shocked to not only find the few remains, but to be attacked by the very dogs that ended Douglass's life. Even now, hours after the attack, she couldn't shake the image of the blood in the barn and Helen's unrecognizable body. The slow pulsing of her injuries subsided as the thin hairs on the back of her neck rose. Instinctually, she peered into the mirror, disregarding her disheveled reflection and focusing on her surroundings. The low snarl of a dog made JJ's stomach lurch and she fumbled for her gun, spinning to face the threat that appeared directly behind her.

"Hey, hey, hey. JJ!," Emily put her hands up, more to show JJ she wasn't a threat rather than to defend herself, "It's me." The older agent's voice softened with concern, easily picking up on the cloud of adrenaline and anxiety shrouding JJ, "Are you alright?"

"Uh..Yeah," JJ answered quickly and straightened her posture, covering any sign of weakness," I'm sorry. You scared me."

Emily shook her head softly and apologized, quickly diffusing the situation as she suggested taking JJ out of the house with her tomorrow. She hoped she didn't come across as patronizing as she extended the genuine offer. It was obvious that JJ was overwhelmed and needed a break from the Hankel residence but as a profiler, Emily knew JJ hated being seen as weaker because of her position as media liaison and not as a profiler. Therefore, the brunette settled on softer suggestions even though every instinct told her to drag JJ out of there and get her colleague somewhere safer.

"Yea," JJ agreed softly, a little put off by Emily's demeanor.

"Okay, great." Emily offered JJ a curt smile and began to walk away. She knew she should've stayed to make sure JJ was okay but she tried to flee, needing some time to mull over the overwhelming urge she had to protect JJ. Wanting to protect others was nothing new, Emily's job was to protect and serve. But that sudden, innate instinct was normally reserved for victims, not her co-workers. Just as she was about to chalk it up to going from near isolation to spending almost every hour with an intimate group of colleagues, JJ called her name. She turned back, sealing away her intrusive thoughts with practiced ease, "Yeah?"

"How come none of this gets to you?" JJ didn't mean to sound accusatory but in her heightened state, her emotions tugged the reigns and logical thinking took a back seat. What would she even be accusing Emily of?

"What do you mean?" Emily raised her brows in question. Under scrutiny Emily almost always surpassed expectations but here, right now under the white hot light JJ was shinning on her, she could feel herself begin to panic though her face remained passive.

The guilt JJ had for putting the older agent on the spot diminished and Emily's calm and cool attitude rubbed her the wrong way. "You came off a desk job. Now suddenly, you're in the field surrounded by mutilated bodies, and you don't even flinch."

Emily racked her brain for a million responses. Blurting out that she did not come of a desk job and in fact had gone undercover to become romantically involved with an international terrorist wasn't exactly an option.

"She's right." Hotch's interruption was a boon, providing her with a distraction and the perfect amount of time to come up with a safe answer to JJ's question, "You've never blinked."

"I...guess...maybe I compartmentalize better than most people." Emily waited for her colleagues to accept her response, hopeful that her answer would suffice. She turned to face Hotch, finding it hard to look JJ in the face after she offered such a calculated response to a question that had been so raw and emotional.

If JJ had rolled her eyes, Emily could've sworn she would've felt it. Knowing her answer didn't appease JJ made her anxious. The fact that JJ seemed to have a way to challenge Emily's entire being while the others members of the BAU had accepted the closed off personality she presented at work made her want to run for the hills.

Before the conversation could continue, Derek Morgan's voice interrupted, "Hey guys! I think I got something!"

Hotch, unaware of the underlying tension in the conversation, turned and immediately began to run towards Morgan. Emily spared JJ one last glance before she followed after Hotch, the blonde not far behind her.

000

Later, after Reid had been saved and the team retired to their homes, JJ allowed herself to dwell on her conversation with Emily. There was something off-putting about a woman that didn't even blink upon seeing the remains of a victim that was mauled. It's not that she didn't like Emily. It was just that all her relationships in the B.A.U. were deep rooted and intimate so in comparison, it was as if Emily was a stranger. It was especially hard when Emily refused every option JJ offered her to open up about herself but that just made JJ want to pry harder.

Originally, She had texted Garcia to reschedule plans for girls night but then she decided to consult her best friend about her weariness surrounding Emily. Garcia easily rejected JJ's claims that something was off about the brunette agent and had ended up inviting their colleague to their girls night next week. "Great," JJ muttered, though the prospect of seeing the always professional Agent Prentiss in a social setting did have its appeal.

 _"You can't count her out of the family just because she's private, just give her some time. Don't fret!"_

JJ read the text from Garcia and knew that her friend was right. The uneasiness she felt during the case was an excess of nerves she had from the dogs and she only demanded to know why Emily wasn't affected to unconsciously compensate for appearing weak. Looking at the issue from a logical standpoint left JJ feeling embarrassed and guilty, thus she vowed with Garcia's help to make Emily feel a part of the team the next time they all went out. Besides, unbeknownst to Garcia, JJ could use this opportunity to find out more about her colleague because although her logical side was satisfied, she had to satiate the illogical half of her brain and something deep within her told her that time outside of work with Emily would do just that.


	2. Chapter 2

To Emily, being an FBI agent in a social setting always felt like being undercover. The ability to relax and enjoy never came easy to her and even outside a local bar, she found herself checking for the nearest exits, finding escape routes. Or maybe she was just looking for the fastest way to leave if drinks with the team turned into a disaster as she predicted it would. Ever since JJ had confronted her inside the Hankel's house, Emily had felt as though the entire team suddenly decided they would try to pry her open which was something the brunette didn't respond well too. But nonetheless, here she was, sitting outside the bar in her car and anxiously waiting for the rest of her teammates to arrive. This paranoia is something Emily would certainly have to get over if she intended to stay in the BAU. Emily laughed softly to herself as she pondered over the fact that she was more paranoid from an encounter with a five foot seven petite woman than she was from the crime scenes.

"Emily?" Emily jumped and put a hand over her chest when Garcia rapped lightly on her window, "You coming in?" The technical analyst giggled as she caught the brunette in such a display of genuine emotion, even if she did have to surprise her to get it.

"Yea," Emily stepped out of her car, grinning sheepishly,"I was waiting for everyone to arrive." The smile was childish, like a kid being caught with their hand in the cookie jar, and Garcia found herself smiling back just because of it.

"Well come on sugar, the gangs already inside," Penelope's heels clacked as she led the way, the profiler in tow. Emily smiled a little as she followed Garcia in, if anyone could willingly lead Emily into a bar filled with her coworkers when all she wanted to do was be alone it was this woman.

The bar was quaint and obviously a local hotspot, the walls sporting a pictures of the owner and his friends on the walls alongside posters for the Washington Redskins. The atmosphere was so unlike what Emily was used to, living so close to the capital, she had often frequented bars that were sleek and minimalist; In other words, cold and distant and worlds away from the home-like feel this bar presented.

"Well look who finally showed up, you two weren't havin too much fun without us were you?" Derek took a sip of his beer, grinning.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Garcia quipped back as she made her way around the large table, greeting all the members with an affectionate gesture. In those few moments where all the attention was shifted to Garica, which often occurred in the most loving way whenever the analyst was in the room, Emily prepared herself similarly to the way she did before attending a gala with her mother. Chin up, straight posture, not a single hair out of place; a beacon of confidence.

Derek pulled over the some chairs for the girls, still teasing Garcia before he made Emily his next target. "Finally decided we were good enough for you Prentiss?"

The brunette scoffed and sat into the chair Derek pulled out for her, "wow, chivalry really does exist." The group erupted into laughter as they finished greeting each other. The small talk was simple enough and Emily was able to push the attention off of herself each time and as the night progressed, she could feel herself relaxing. Plus, observing the contrast of her co-workers attitudes from high stress situations to a relaxed bar was genuinely interesting. She should chide herself for being analytic when she's out having fun but honestly, this was fun to her and since her colleagues had been grilling her so much why not get the upper-hand?

Emily looked around the bar, watching Derek dance among the women. Typical behavior for someone molested as a child by an adult male authority figure, over compensating and surrounding himself with women. Hotch and Haley were closed off from the group, almost isolating themselves completely. They looked deep in intimate conversation and in love but Emily could tell they were so close because they barely have time for each other, more over compensation. Thats what the BAU seemed to be full of; people making up for the parts of their lives they lost to the job. That's why Emily always kept it simple and professional. Nothing lost and nothing won. When Emily started to feel pleased with her lifestyle and thought process, she knew she'd had enough to drink. This was not how she wanted to be. Invasively analyzing the people that were simply trying to get her to open up a little bit was horrid and living a clean, cut, and cold lifestyle was not what she had longed for. It's something she was bred to be comfortable with growing up a diplomats daughter that was constantly moving. Yup, she was definitely a little buzzed.

"Emily?" Emily's eyelids fluttered a little, concentrating as she turned to face the voice that called out to her.

"JJ?" She smiled broadly, trying to look approachable as if JJ could tell she was just profiling her team members. "What's up?" Emily wouldn't profile JJ. It made her too anxious. Profiling is a vulnerable action and when you observe others, you open yourself up for observation which was something Emily couldn't afford to do around the media liaison. Not after JJ had so easily challenged her.

"Nothing," JJ returned the smile, pulling up a seat next to the brunette, "You just looked like you could use some company."

If Emily had audibly gasped, the blonde hadn't noticed. Everyone knew that Jennifer Jareau was a knock out. But here, right now, the blonde was like nothing Emily had ever seen before.

JJ was glowing, cheeks flushed from the heat of the bar and the beers she had been nursing for the past couple of hours. There were no tense angry stress lines or sagging shoulders that preceded death and heartbreak. The brunette was not equipped for this. She hadn't realized how much JJ had to withhold her expressions as the media liaison and seeing her so raw and open was scary yet seeing her so happy was breathtaking.

"Earth to Emily? Are you okay?" Emily, a little distracted, slowly opened her mouth to reply but JJ cut her off," Oh. My. God! You are drunk aren't you? THE always professional Emily Prentiss is drunk in a bar and with her colleagues no less!"

Emily unconsciously wet her lips, pink tongue peaking out from a smile as she burst out laughing. She nodded lightly, blushing, "I'm not drunk but I'm-I'm feeling pretty good." She smiled even harder as JJ joined in on laughing. Their giggles subsided and the profiler, in practice, subconsciously sized up JJ, catching a glimpse of skin from the blondes slightly cropped t-shirt ridding up. Immediately, Emily's eyes snapped back up to watch JJ watching her.

JJ had to have seen her but she made no point in saying anything, apparently not even fazed. Emily wanted to say it was out of habit but JJ didn't seem bothered in the least bit...maybe she hadn't seen it. The air felt thick, almost stifling to Emily but JJ continued holding her gaze unabashedly.

"So," Emily anxiously wet her lips again, desperate to get the attention off of herself, "You come here often?"

Jennifer rolled her eyes and laughed lightly, "That's the best thing you could come up with?" She sipped her beer, though not enough to even have a genuine drink; which was something that Emily noted. That meant the blonde was nervous too. Profiling wasn't a skill that could just be turned off.

With a new confidence, Emily relaxed, "Hey, I'm drunk remember?"

"Oh yea, please don't throw up on me. I had enough of that in high school." Emily quickly peered to JJ's right, catching slender fingers tucking away a blonde piece of hair. She felt like she was in a trance.

"I'm sure you did Miss Varsity soccer captain." Emily took a sip peering at JJ over her rim and fighting a smile as JJ grinned fondly, obviously soft for her years as a high school athlete.

"Those were the days. Did you play any sports in high school?"

"Nope, I uh, I moved around too much to really make any commitments." Emily peered around, scratching her arm. Anything to avoid JJ's pitiful gaze.

The two fell silent awkwardly and JJ felt so guilty she wanted to reach across the table to hug Emily. Of course the brunette didn't play any sports, she was always changing schools when her mother's posts changed. "Em?" The nickname and the tone of JJ's voice made the hair on the back of Emily's neck rise. It felt like every time the Ambassador came to her with a soft voice and told her it was time to move again. "I'm sorry about what happened at the Hankel farm. I-I didn't mean to put you on the spot or attack you or anything. I know you're a private person and if I ever cross a boundary, like I just did right here like an idiot, please tell me."

Emily looked up, seeing the thoughtfulness on JJ's face but the blonde wouldn't meet her eye. "JJ, it's okay. I'm not angry or upset." Her coworker still didn't look up and Emily reached across the table putting her arm on JJ's shoulder in a comforting gesture, "I know I need to get used to sharing most of my time with a group of people and you didn't do anything wrong, I promise."

JJ softened under Emily's touch, "I'm sorry, I just can't imagine what it was like."

"Oh please, I got to travel the world pampered by her mother's money. If anything you should be jealous of _me_ ," Emily played it off, trying to make JJ smile.

The blonde finally met her colleagues eyes, smiling a little, "Yea I guess," she straightened up, "You wanna play a game of darts?"

"JJ," Emily brought her hand back into her own lap, realizing she had left it on JJ's shoulder, "I'm a profiler. You don't think I saw your picture on the wall by the dart board? You could humiliate me in any other way and that's what you pick?"

The media liaison blushed, and bit back a grin, "I thought if I beat you in darts you would forget about what a jerk I've been."

"Oh stop, I've handled much worse. You're the nicest bully I've ever met Jennifer Jareau." Emily teased, hoping it wouldn't actually hurt JJ's feelings.

"Cmon let me make it up to you, you've obviously had too much to drink, I'll buy the cab home."

"What? You can't drive? Oh. My. God. the always professional Jenn-" JJ smacked her on the arm, giggling before Emily could finish taunting her.

"Shut up! Let's go I'm tired. Derek said he would drop me off, he drove me here but he already left though. I told him I would find a ride but your drunk self was no help." The blonde grabbed Emily's arm and tugged, "Plus the guys had to buy me shots when I beat them earlier in pool."She tugged again, getting the profiler up out of her seat in a playful manner. Emily, who hand't gotten up in that last half hour, stumbled almost immediately, alcohol rushing to her head as she fell right into JJ.

"Oh god," Emily caught herself right before they both landed on the ground, "JJ what the hell?" She tried to sound mad but she was laughing and JJ was giggling, "We have to go." She lowered her voice, trying to hush her giggles but she hadn't felt this giddy since she was younger. Even with everything going on, Emily remained vigilant, peering around to make sure they weren't disturbing anyone. She equated this feeling to playing catch in the house; giddy from breaking the rules until mother's china cabinet gets shattered by a rogue ball. Getting close with anyone could hurt her and she knew it. Still, they walked together outside to catch a cab and the brunette scooted into the further seat and gave the driver her address when JJ insisted her colleague get dropped off first, even though her apartment was much closer than Emily's.

The ride felt eternal and it went on even longer when JJ had dozed off. Emily kept peeking under her lashes at JJ and suddenly she would feel lightheaded and silly all over again. She had decided that tonight was fun and that was the end of it. Having fun doesn't have to mean anything.

"Em," JJ slurred, voice heavy with sleep, "Are we almost at your apartment?"

"Yea," She replied softly, not wanting to wake JJ up, "I told you to let the driver drop you off first."

"Chivalry exists," JJ laughed softly at herself.

"Oh, you think you're funny huh? Taking my jokes and reusing them as your own."

"I'm too tired to role my eyes at you." The cab rolled to a stop outside Emily's apartment and the brunette wanted to ask him to just take laps around the block. "Let me pay please?"

"Absolutely not," Emily had already prepared for this fight and handed the cab driver enough for the ride to Emily's apartment and the ride back to JJ's. "Goodnight JJ. Get home safe."

"Goodnight Em. I'll see you at work. I pay next time though." Emily nodded softly, shut the door and turned away, hiding her smile at the words next time. Growing up she had always feared the words next time. It related to new homes, new schools, and the constant fear that there would always be a next time; another move. She was still scared; excited, but still scared.


	3. Chapter 3

_"I need to know that I can be human."_

Emily couldn't believe she had slipped like that, especially to her boss. It was one thing to have quiet, open moments with Derek or Garcia, where she was safe from scrutiny. But to have said that in front of Hotch, who had chastised her almost immediately. She felt like a kid again; ashamed and humiliated. That's what she got for allowing herself to present emotionally in a case. It was getting harder and harder to separate her emotions from her thoughts, to compartmentalize. Staring out the window of the jet, separated from her teammates, Emily could feel the eyes on her but she needed time to lick her wounds, find out why she couldn't just divide and conquer her thoughts anymore. What had changed?

Her thought process had shifted as a result of her environment and the people in it. She justified having honest and open moments with Derek or Garcia. Emily was being vulnerable in her relationships. That's why she felt so strongly for Carrie, strong enough to try and bring the victim home to Washington. Involuntarily, Emily had gone from being sympathetic to being empathetic because she now knew what it felt like to have something she was afraid to lose; her BAU family. How had she gone from referring to them as her colleagues to calling them her family?

The transition from being isolated to spending an ungodly amount of hours with the same people was taking it's toll on her. But she had worked in groups before and still managed to keep her persona. It had to be JJ. It was the blonde's fault with her curiosity and compassion. Emily was spending too much time with the liaison. JJ who was open and fearless, soft and proud but still stronger than most. JJ who was coming over right now.

Emily continued to peer out the window, begging any sort of higher power out there that JJ would just pass her by and go to the bathroom or grab a coffee. Much to her chagrin, the media liaison moved to take a seat right across from her. She peeked over at the blonde before JJ got settled, seeing the softness in her colleagues features; the rosy color of her cheeks matched the pink of her sweater endearingly.

"You okay?" JJ's eyebrows were scrunched slightly, conveying the depth of her emotions. Emily loved to see her like this, it's why they became friends so easily.

"Yea," Emily shrugged, nodding lightly. JJ mirrored the gesture in a subtle show of support. The silence felt thick with something unknown as it often did when JJ decided she wanted to pick apart Emily's brain.

"They're good people," Emily looked up inquisitively, "Carrie's family."

Immediately the brunette broke eye contact. She looked up, willing the shame that had undoubtably flooded her face to go away. Swallowing thickly, Emily answered, "Good," her composure was impressive but the fear that JJ could see right through her was ebbing away at her self confidence, "I'm glad." She turned back to staring out the window, fighting against the lump in her throat.

JJ gave Emily some time, practically able to see the gears shifting in the profilers brain. She pressed her lips together anxiously. Not wanting to push Emily too far, she waited for the right moment to speak. "I think it's a good idea."

"What's that?"

"You," Emily's brows furrowed, "Kids." The reaction was immediate and contagious.

The profilers face broke out into a smile effortlessly, unable to fight it even if she wanted to. In an unconscious attempt to salvage some sort of control in this display of raw emotion, She looked away from JJ though her face beamed.

"I can see it." JJ felt privileged to be able to witness this moment when months ago they were clashing heads over Emily's inability to let other people in.

"Yea?"

JJ felt her heart pang at Emily's insecurity and offered reassurance, smiling and nodding. She had never seen the other woman like this. It was almost unnerving. Just when JJ thought the conversation had come to a close, Emily's hushed whisper broke the silence.

"You know, I was always afraid I wouldn't know how to be a parent," Emily's voice was so soft it was like an echo, the confession obviously coming from a deep place inside the brunette."I still don't think I know. I've never been in a traditional family setting."

Jennifer held eye contact the entire time, knowing that Emily opening up to her was rare and she was doing everything she could to make sure her friend knew she was listening. Once she made sure Emily was done, she spoke, "I think you don't give yourself enough credit." Emily's faced scrunched, a self deprecating retort on the tip of her tongue but JJ interrupted her, "You're capable of so much love and compassion. I've seen it. You would be a wonderful mother."

Emily bit her tongue, looking off into the window again. Letting JJ see her like this was so difficult but there was no where to run, at least not anymore. That was the best and worst part of their friendship. JJ forced Emily to come to terms with her emotions. The blonde had reached inside Emily's brain and tore the compartments apart, there were no more neat shelves filled with feelings that would be tucked away and forgotten. It was complete chaos but somehow the fact that JJ was the one responsible for her undoing made it okay.

Eventually, they had fallen into a comfortable silence, JJ understanding that sometimes Emily just couldn't respond. It happened often when they talked about family. She was okay with the quiet anyway, the flight was long, the case grueling, and she was exhausted. Slipping in and out of consciousness with Emily's eyes flicking between her and looking out the window was strangely calming after the day's events.

When Emily thought JJ had finally dozed off she reached up into the in-flight compartment, grabbing a blanket for the blonde. She carefully laid it over her friend before easing back into her own seat.

"Em?" JJ murmured, eyes still shut but the beginning of a smile dawning on her face.

The brunette blushed massively at being caught, "Yes?"

"Next time we get a long weekend, come home with me? See my family. Think of it as a trial experience for your family." JJ opened her eyes slowly to gauge Emily's reaction. She admired the fierce blush crawling up the brunettes neck. Combine that with the girlish curls framing her friends face and Emily looked angelic, like she had never been hurt before. JJ knew that was far from true.

"Jayje..." Emily hesitated, "I-I don't know. I wouldn't want to invade."

JJ's mouth twitched into a smile at the nickname. "You're not, I'm inviting you."

Emily wet her lips, subtly picking at her nails and indulging in her nervous habit. "Then I'd like that." She agreed, though tentatively. Emily could always find a way to back out if necessary and there was no guarantee they would have a long weekend any time soon.

JJ could almost hear Emily trying to distance herself from the situation but she decided to ignore it, saying a soft goodnight before closing her eyes and drifting to sleep.

Emily was wired the whole flight home half expecting JJ to wake back up and withdraw her offer. Being soft had never been her strong suit but JJ made it impossible to remain distanced.


	4. Chapter 4

When JJ had found out that Penelope was shot, her whole world had been turned upside down. From the second she got the call to the moment Garcia was safely tucked away and the case was solved, JJ had worked tirelessly. She could barely remember what happened let alone register that she had taken a human life. Of course it was in the name of the safety of her family but nonetheless she had still killed someone. She felt numb. After the appropriate paperwork was finished and the bullpen was cleaned out, she retreated to her office sitting in silence and contemplating the day, her life, her career. It could have just as easily been one of her colleagues that were carried out. Today had been too long, she had to get out of the office for a few days. All she could see was the bullet hole and glass-like, lifeless eyes.

JJ peaked through the shades in her window, checking to see if the bullpen was clear. Upon seeing the rest of her team had left for the next few days per Hotch's request, she finally left her office, hoping to make a b-line straight to the parking garage without being questioned or checked up on. She knew her teammates only had good intentions but it felt condescending and in comforting her if felt like they were registering that she was the weakest link. Being seen as inferior just because she wasn't in the field as much was something JJ feared. Even though her teammates would never suggest that she was inadequate, her insecurities still got the best of her. Juggling her bag and some case files, JJ locked the office door behind her and turned to leave when she saw Emily in the kitchen area grabbing a coffee.

"Shit," JJ muttered. She spun, grabbing the handle to her door and twisting for a quick escape back into her office, hoping not to be seen. The door handle jammed from being locked and she fumbled through her bag for the keys. Not that she didn't want to see her friend, it's just that Emily could read her like an open book without even being a profiler and she knew if the brunette got to her, she would fall apart. "C'mon, C'mon, I just put them in here." JJ huffed, fishing through her bag for keys. If she didn't hurry Emily would spot her and definitely come over because JJ had already ignored two texts from her. As she tried to readjust the files in her hand to reach deeper into her bag, JJ's grip slipped and bundle of case files fell, scattering to the floor in an absolute mess. "Shit," she whispered, leaning her head against the door in defeat.

"JJ?"

She heard Emily's heels clacking and took a deep breath, throat tightening.

"Are you okay?"

JJ feared opening her mouth because she knew her voice would waiver. It was just one of those days where crying over split milk was inevitable. She was exhausted, stressed, and relieved all at the same time. Combine that with the weight of taking another human life and JJ was on the verge of a breakdown. She felt the tears slip down her cheeks before she even realized she was crying.

"Jayje," Emily came up behind her, gently placing a hand on her back, "What's going on?" The brunette's voice was low and soft yet demanding and JJ knew Emily wouldn't leave her alone.

"Long day," JJ sniffled, trying to place a cap on the emotions leaking out of her. "Just a really, really, long day."

Emily didn't say anything, her palm stretched out over JJ's back and rubbing in gentle circles.

JJ was grateful for the silence. The support was there even without words. "Thank you," JJ left her head resting on the door, not able to face Emily yet. She was too sensitive. Maybe if it had been Garcia or Spencer she could've held it together but Emily always evoked such a strong response in her. It was like the brunette demanded her soul be bared and readable at all times. It was exhausting but that's what they had come to expect of each other.

"Do you wanna talk?"

The offer was so sincere JJ laughed a little, "Funny hearing that coming from you of all people." She didn't turn but she knew Emily was smiling back.

"I thought I was the only one allowed to be dark and moody?" Emily chewed on her bottom lip as she grinned, trying to gauge how JJ was truly feeling.

JJ turned, pressing her back against the door as she wiped her eyes. Peering at the floor, she avoided making eye contact.

"I hope you know that you did a great thing today. You saved lives." She saw JJ's lip begin to quiver, "I mean it, JJ, and the fact that you feel whatever you're feeling now shows you're human. Your softness is your greatest strength. I admire it everyday."

JJ covered her mouth and scrunched her eyes shut, trying to fight off the tears but they rolled anyway; rivulets flowing down blotchy cheeks. She felt humiliated but she couldn't stop, shoulders shaking and salty tears spilling onto her lips as she nearly worked herself into a frenzy. Had anyone else been in the bullpen she would've kept her cool, hiding her emotions being a requirement in her field of work.

"JJ," Emily sounded a little panicked, reaching out and grabbing the blonde's hand. She laced their fingers together and much like it did at the hospital when Penelope was in surgery, Emily's touch grounded her friend. JJ's tears subsided into sniffles again and she began to shake her hand, wiping the tears from her eyes with one hand.

"You don't have to do this, I'm alright," She swiped her thumb under her eye line, smudging the dark eyeliner that had settled there.

"I know." Emily stifled a smile, "You uh, have something under your eye."

"What?" JJ finally looked up to Emily, trying to wipe away the rest of her tears.

"It's still there, up a little, nope- right there," Emily untangled her hand from JJ's, "Oh my god, you stink, I'll get it."

JJ laughed at that, tilting her face up to Emily as the brunette placed two fingers under her chin to hold her in place. She unconsciously held her breath as the profiler carefully used her thumb to wiped away the residual mascara. JJ's mouth twitched into a barely noticable smile, she had never seen Emily be so gentle before.

"There we go. All better."

"If you mean by all better I look like a train wreck then okay."

"Oh stop, you always look beautiful." The air always shifted at the strangest moments. At least it felt that way for Emily. She took in JJ's face one more time up close, the freckles and the little crevices under her friend's eyes where the makeup had leaked into. "There's a little make up left but I'm sure you can get that when you get home." She took a step back and cleared her throat, adjusting the collar of her jacket.

"Thanks Em," She peered around, hoping no one had witnessed that oddly intimate exchange. The bullpen appeared completely empty. "I'm really happy Hotch gave us a few days off. I need to get out of here for a little. I'm thinking of heading home for a couple of days and I know we talked about it before. The offer still stands if you'd like to come with." In truth, JJ hadn't even thought about going home until just a few moments ago.

Emily stopped looking at her feet like a bashful schoolgirl and met JJ's eyes, "Yea, sure. That sounds good." Emily immediately regretted what she said, wishing she could take it back but the words lingered in the air. Family was not her strong suit but here she was putting herself into a terrible situation just because of a pouty lip and two blue eyes.

"Go home and pack and I'll pick you up first thing in the morning. It's a long drive so prepare yourself." JJ couldn't believe this was happening.

"If you're giving me somewhere to stay, I insist on driving."

"Emily Prentiss always the gentlemen." Emily rolled her eyes but laughed. She started picking up the case files littered across the floor. "I'll see you tomorrow morning I guess. Six sound okay? That way we are in town early. "

"Yea, that sounds fine." Emily handed the case files back to JJ, neither woman having the nerve to break the little bubble they constantly found themselves in. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yes you will."


	5. Chapter 5

To say Emily was nervous would be grossly inadequate. She had barely slept and spent the whole night contemplating ways to get out of driving to Pennsylvania to meet JJ's family. It had been a long time since she was this anxious. Normally, she would pinpoint the issue and be able to work through it but at this point, there were too many things wrong with this trip to find one serious flaw to negate. It was like a suicide mission.

Emily laid down in bed, hands clasped together tightly over her stomach as her head raced. She could almost hear the clock taunting her, ticking away in declaration of her impending doom. There was no scenario in which Emily could see herself maintaining a professional persona at the Jareau household. It was a deadly combination of both her weaknesses; JJ and family.

Sometimes Emily wondered if forming this friendship was more detrimental than beneficial. A ping from her cell phone interrupted her already intrusive thoughts.

 _All packed and ready. Been up since 3 I couldn't sleep. Too excited._ Emily smiled as she read the message from JJ. It was just another example of the blondes transparency.

 _Me too. Wanna leave early?_ The brunette peered at the clock. It was only an hour earlier than when they were supposed to leave originally anyway.

 _I knew you would be awake. Sometimes I think we share brain waves. Come whenever._

 _See you soon. Usual coffee order?_

 _You spoil me._

 _only the best._ Emily felt her face heat up as she hit send. She had never had the experience of awkwardly texting a crush in middle school but she imagined this was how it felt. Except now she was texting her much younger colleague with whom she had an intimate friendship with. Still she couldn't always stop her body from reacting the way it did as it was now; blushing or getting flustered. JJ was an attractive, strong, and caring woman. It was easy to be intimidated by her. Even easier to be attracted to her. The nature of that attraction was still a mystery to Emily.

She got up from bed, slipping her phone into her pocket as she grabbed her keys. The brunette had packed the car hours ago.

The drive to JJ's was relatively peaceful, Emily finishing her coffee within the first ten minutes and stopping to grab another. She probably should have slept before she embarked on a drive that was at least four hours without traffic. If JJ knew she had a second coffee already, she would be in big trouble. Emily didn't think she could go through another staged caffeine intervention. She laughed at the thought as she pulled up to JJ's building. _Here. Need help with luggage?_

 _Coming down. I'll decline that CHIVALROUS request. How honorable of you Emily._

Emily snorted as she read the text, getting out of the car and popping the trunk for when the blonde made her way down. She scrolled through her phone, deleting and sorting her emails when she heard a suitcase being wheeled towards her. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." JJ smiled as she lugged her bags, looking like an ant tugging over double it's body weight. Emily bit back her laughter and stepped forward to help her friend.

"okay all packed, you sure you have everything before we leave?" Emily rearranged the suitcases anxiously rather than picking her nails. She hated when she unconsciously played with her nails in front of JJ, it was embarrassing and unattractive.

"Yea, did you bring everything I told you to? bathing suit, shorts, sneakers?"

"Yeah, I'm all good." Emily shut the trunk, clearing her throat apprehensively. Being around JJ made her feel slightly better but there was no turning back now. "Let's hit the road then." She practically forced the words out of her throat.

"Don't be nervous," the brunette opened her mouth to disagree but JJ didn't let her, "And don't say you're not nervous because I can tell. You're getting those stress wrinkles right on your forehead that you always get when you're furrowing your brows."

Emily sighed in defeat, "Yeah, I'm nervous. You know how I am."

"That I do." JJ rubbed her friends arm supportively, "It'll be fun I promise. You deserve this. You have not been treated the way you should have." She offered her a comforting smile and started walking towards the passenger door. Emily was grateful that JJ ended the conversation there. The blonde always knew how to diffuse the tension that often resided over Emily's heart. She made her way to the driver's side, sliding in next to the blonde.

"You got the address in the GPS?"

"Yea I'll trade you the info for my coffee." Emily smiled, pointing out the cup that was JJ's.

"What did you get?"

"JJ you know what I always get. Yes you can have a sip." The brunette swallowed the sudden pang of emotion she felt, focusing on starting the car and driving as JJ laughed sheepishly. No matter how many times they got the same order, JJ always requested a sip. The nonchalant manner in which the blonde always asked for a sip, as if she didn't take one every time, was something Emily found to be endearing and it's not like she could say no to her friend anyway. JJ could ask her just about anything and Emily would find it charming.

JJ switched cups, taking a sip out of Emily's. "Shit," she hissed, "I just burned my tongue." Emily laughed, peaking at JJ sticking out her tongue.

"Well maybe you should stick to your own drink then."

"Wait a second...Em, how is your drink scalding hot and mine is just luke warm?" The brunette held up one hand in defense, the other steadily gripping the wheel. Emily was fighting back a grin, sputtering to find some answer to offer but JJ just smacked her arm playfully, "You addict! This is a fresh cup so that means you already finished the cup you bought with mine."

"I can neither confirm nor deny that statement until my lawyer is present." Emily felt her cheeks hurting, muscles sore from grinning. She wished she wasn't driving so she could do more than steal glances. It just wasn't enough anymore to catch JJ's eye every now and then during moments like these. Growing up without any constants except for the coldness of politics had conditioned her to understand that nothing good can last and now, with something so good in her life, she felt desperate to capture as much of it as she possibly could.

The drive continued with spontaneous moments of flirtation and interruptions with Emily behind the wheel and JJ being the instigator. It was fun to see this childish side of JJ as opposed to her usual professional demeanor. It was refreshing. With the sun rising in the background and the lights of the cars whirring by Emily felt oddly romantic but that's what happens when there is no sleep in between days passing, just the gradual transition from night to day. She kept peeking at JJ, watching the different lights play across the blondes face as the sun intensified. Her friend looked younger, softer than usual. "You miss them?"

JJ adjusted her body language to give Emily her full attention; Emily loved when she did that. "Who? My family?" The brunette just nodded. "Yea, I do most of the time. It's weird coming home after long periods of time. Things change. You know? It's like when did my mom get so small and grey. It makes me sad. I wish I was home more for them."

"You've got a demanding job. It's understandable."

"Yeah, I guess so." The liaison shifted, tucking one leg under the other, "I'm excited to see them. It's been a while."

"You sure you're okay with me coming along?" Emily always displayed her insecurities in such professional and subtle manner but JJ easily picked up on them.

"You're a part of my family too. I want them to meet you. So they can put a name to a face. My mom insisted. She's sick of hearing about you but not knowing you." JJ laughed a little, fidgeting with the chain of her necklace. "Besides, everyone else has met my family it's only a matter of time."

"Is this like hazing?" JJ laughed at that, choosing to ignore the way Emily's jaw clenched slightly at the mention of family.

"It's a rite of passage being accepted into the Jareau clan. Many have tried. Few have succeeded."

"I'll keep that in mind." Emily laughed but she couldn't help the small fear in the back of her mind that JJ's family wouldn't like her.

"But I've already accepted you into my clan which is way more exclusive so." Just like that JJ put her mind at ease.

The miles flew by filled with easy conversation and even easier silence. At some point Emily felt herself repressing yawns and blinking heavily, trying hard to keep under wraps just how tired she really was.

"We're almost there, don't worry." The brunette just nodded steadily, hand resting casually on the wheel. "You can tell when you see this weird sculpture coming up. I remember driving home from vacation and being exhausted but somehow I always woke up in time to see this head to head sculpture." As if on queue, they drove by the sculpture, the red and blue heads with exaggerated features tilted at odd angles and slightly overlapping. "You're the blue one and I'm the red one."

Emily laughed lightly and shook her head, "And how's that?"

"Just trust me on this one." JJ sounded sincere but she was laughing along with her friend. "You wouldn't understand you're a city gal."

"One day you gotta let me in on everything that goes up in there."

"You first," JJ teased, putting her feet up on the dashboard to bend her knees. "What a drive I can't believe you knocked it out. Once you take this exit we'll be there in no time." She glanced over at Emily, taking in her messy appearance. The brunette had slowly become more disheveled as the drive progressed. First it started with her hair being pulled back into a sloppy pony tail, loose baby hairs spilling out of the elastic but now she had her sleeves rolled up, top buttons popped and JJ found her eyes following the subtle veins that ran down Emily's forearms that flexed when the brunette gripped the steering wheel.

"I've had worse drives. This was scenic and you kept me pretty entertained." She flicked on her blinker, taking the last exit and exiting the highway and entering suburbia. The picket fences and cul-de-sacs made her stomach clench. This is not where she belonged.

"I'm shutting off the GPS it's only a few more turns."

"Just tell me where to go," Emily rolled her shoulders, trying to relieve some tension. She listened to JJ give her a few more directions before they rolled up to a overly decorated two story house with a quaint wrap around porch. It took everything in her power not to pick at her fingernails, her fingers anxiously gripping the steering wheel instead as her knuckles turned white.

"Hey," JJ's voice was so soft Emily almost didn't hear it over the blood roaring in her ears. "Are you alright?"

"Just, " Emily hesitated, clearing her throat, "Think I'm getting a little carsick."

JJ frowned, not buying it. "I know you're nervous. I can feel it. I promise it's going to be okay. It's going to be super fun. I've got stuffed planned for us and my mom planned a barbecue for tomorrow. You'll get lots of practice with the little baby cousins. We'll be so swamped you won't even have time to be nervous."

Emily felt sick. "JJ-," She sighed, running her hands through her hair, "I'm not good with these situations you know that."

"I'll be there the whole time. I promise." JJ reached out, placing her hand flat against the center console with her palm facing up.

Emily looked at the blonde's hand under her lashes, hesitated, but then rested her hand on top of JJ's. "okay."


	6. Chapter 6

"Okay then." JJ smiled, and giddily gave Emily's hand a quick squeeze. "Let's get going." She opened the car door, sliding out and around to the trunk. Emily followed behind, stretching her legs.

"You go ahead inside, I'll get the bags." JJ opened her mouth to argue but the look on Emily's face made her swallow her words. "I know how excited you are to see them." JJ gave a half-hearted smile, seeing how stuck her friend was.

"C'mere" JJ pulled Emily into a hug, standing on her tippy-toes and tucking her chin into the brunette's shoulder. Emily stiffened initially, hands hesitating at her sides until she wrapped them around the blonde. "I'll see you inside. I'm proud of you. I know how hard this is for you. But it'll be perfect practice for your future plus you get to hang out with me for a few days so it can't be too bad."

JJ was so small Emily's hands could practically clasp together. She wanted to stop and count each of JJ's ribs under her fingertips. "Thanks Jayje." The blonde's breath tickled her ear and she almost shivered, clutching onto the back of JJ's shirt reactively. They stepped apart. "I'll be in in a minute." The blonde smiled, turning on her heels and heading to the front door. This felt like one of those times in high school where Emily would sneak a cigarette. She buttoned back up her shirt, rolled down the sleeves, straightened out her hair and grabbed the bags. The luggage felt light contrasting the heaviness of her feet. Social events were normally no problem but for this Emily had an emotional attachment so she had to be present. She walked up the cobble stone walkway towards the door, smiling when she noticed JJ left the door open for her. There was no escaping now, JJ and company seeing her from the kitchen.

"Emily!" JJ's mom let go of her daughter, walking towards the door to help her guest, "Welcome! It's so nice to finally meet you. Let me help you with those."

Emily relinquished the bags, "Thanks Mrs. Jareau. It's a pleasure to meet you as well."

"No need for formalities, just call me Sandy."

JJ laughed a little in the background, "Go easy on her mom." She got up from the kitchen table, taking the bags from her mom's hands. Emily felt herself blush as she straightened out her collar and cleared her throat.

Sandy smiled sympathetically, "Oh you'll get over it very quickly, we're an informal bunch. This is my husband Rich." A tall man with peppered hair stepped up behind Sandy, reaching out his hand.

"Nice to put a name to a face. Jen talks about you all the time."

Emily grasped his hand, giving him an expert shake. Professional habits were hard to break. "Likewise. I've never heard her speak so fondly of anything more than she does her family." She anxiously clasped her hands together.

Rich laughed, "I could say the same except she's talking about working with you."

"Dad!" JJ's voice rang in the back girlishly. She came back from placing the bags in her room. "I'm gone for a second and he's already trying to embarrass me." Emily had never seen JJ act like this before, her voice was higher, sweeter. It's because she had never seen JJ with her parents. The unabashed display of the relationship between a child and parent made JJ seem youthful even as an adult.

Emily just flashed them a socialite smile, going along with the conversation. She felt grateful for the social gatherings her mother brought her too. It had helped her become an expert in small talk and in dealing with social situations while keeping a safe, emotional distance.

"Are you hungry?" Truthfully, Emily hadn't eaten all day which was something she tended to do when she was anxious. It wasn't a conscious decision. Just more like the stress overrides her stomach.

"No, thank you though."

"Actually Ma, we haven't eaten all day because we were driving and I'm going to show Emily around town in a little so yea I think we should eat."

"You should know Emily, no one ever says no to Sandy's cooking." Rich's throaty voice chimed in. Emily smiled but she felt like asking if they could be anymore cliche. It seemed so unrealistic it made her throat hurt but she could feel the love and happiness radiating off of JJ so it must be their dynamic to act like a stereotypical sitcom family.

"You guys go hang in the living room and I'll cook," JJ opened her mouth to offer help but Sandy cut her off, "Don't even start. It's been a while since I've had anyone else to cook for besides your father."

Emily observed the the little half smile that played across her friends face. Even in the most overwhelming circumstances, from crime scenes to family events, she found herself using JJ to ground her, even if the blonde didn't know it.

"Alright mom. Next time though." Sandy shooed the two girls out of the kitchen, Rich taking a seat at the kitchen table with a crossword. Emily had imagined the scene so many times before but here it was laid out in front of her. JJ led her into the family room, "Coffee wearing off yet?"

Emily scoffed, "Never." She took a seat on the couch, posture still rigid with the aftershocks of being thrown into such an unfamiliar situation. JJ sat at the other end of the couch, slouching down on the cuddle corner. She relaxed allowing herself to sit back into the cushions.

"So it wasn't that bad right?" JJ reached forward grabbing the remote and flicking through the channels absent-mindedly.

"They're sweet. You look just like your mom and I can see where you get your hospitality from."

"What a proper answer," JJ poked fun at Emily, over emphasizing her pronunciation and straightening her posture facetiously. She always did that to the brunette and while it made Emily laugh, JJ did it to let her friend know they were safe together; That Emily, who often defaulted to a professional manner when she was nervous, was safe. "What do you wanna watch?"

"Whatever you want," Emily laid her head back against the cushion, rolling the tension out of her shoulders.

"Frances Ha, have you seen that before?" Emily just shook her head no. JJ could see how exhausted her friend was, "Em, you should lay down. I know you didn't sleep last night." She lowered her voice as the sentenced progressed, knowing that regardless of how insignificant their conversation seemed to everyone else, Emily would feel ashamed.

"I'm fine, just might need some more caffeine later." JJ shot her a look. "Jay, I slept I really did."

"Take a little nap, food won't be ready for a while and we will be out later. It's still early."

Emily didn't want to argue and as much as she was trying to convince JJ she wasn't exhausted, her body was saying otherwise. It just felt uncomfortable to be taking a nap in someplace she had never been before, not to mention it was JJ's childhood home. She took off her shoes, "Where?"

JJ fought back a laugh, Emily was always so careful with everything, "Just drop em, anywhere." She watched Emily shift to lay on her side, feet practically tucked to her chest in an attempt to take up as little space as possible. It was sad, how Emily always acted like she was an inconvenience.

The brunette settled, the fatigue catching up to her as soon as she allowed her body and mind to finally rest. She had fallen asleep almost instantly, which was unusual but the combination of the stress, the long drive, and a caffeine crash had her dozing off in minutes. The last thing she remembered was JJ turning down the TV to a gentle hum so she could sleep better. The consideration made Emily smile lightly and mumble a soft thanks to which JJ replied to with a gentle pat on her calf. By the time she had woken up, she wasn't sure how much time had passed. It had to be late afternoon, the lazy sun filtering in through the blinds and leaking onto the carpet. She stretched, her sleepy movements interrupted by the sudden realization that her legs were resting in JJ's lap. "Shit Jay, I'm sorry." Emily propped herself up, pulling her legs back.

"Don't worry about it," JJ spoke gently; the breathy sound mingling with the laughs of Sandy and Richard. The shade on Emily's face darkened as she realized JJ's parents heard her curse. Sitting up, the brunette adjusted herself accordingly, fidgeting with with the cuffs on her sleeve.

"I'm sorry," She smiled a little sheepishly, not entirely pleased with the thought of swearing in front of Rich and Sandy.

"Oh no worries," Sandy waved a hand dismissively, "From what Jen told us you needed that nap, are you hungry?" Spoken like a true mother.

Emily peered around the room, spotting a pair of empty plates on the coffee table. Assuming that everyone had already eaten, she went to politely decline but JJ interrupted her.

"I haven't eaten yet so let's both go grab something." JJ got up from the couch, muscles groaning after staying seated for so long. The blonde had refused to get up from the couch once the brunette's legs had found their way into her lap. "There's still food in the kitchen."

Emily caught the look JJ shot her and followed the blonde into the kitchen. It's like the younger agent was always one step ahead of her. Once they were in the privacy of the kitchen she spoke, "Thank you."

JJ smiled, knowing fully that they never discussed the little ways they accommodated each other. She realized she had the power to help Emily open up in these situations but more often than not she let it go, both women aware that this afternoon JJ purposely chose to eat later because Emily wouldn't be comfortable eating alone. She pursed her lips, deciding to push the brunette a little, "It's nothing. I wasn't sure if you had eaten today anyway."

"You know me too well," Emily returned the consideration, providing JJ with a tidbit of information. That was how their relationship often worked, fueled by a gentle push and pull tactic usually instigated by the younger agent. At least that's how JJ had pried into Emily's life so far. "You know that with all the stress my stomach just takes the day off sometimes."

JJ just nodded, grabbing two plates from the cabinet as Emily took a seat at the kitchen table. "So I hope i didn't ruin your plans for today with my nap."

"Nope, it's not too late so its all okay honestly," JJ carried the food over to the table, "You can't get out of hanging out with me that easily."

Emily's mouth twitched up in amusement as JJ grabbed them utensils to eat with. Watching the blonde move around in such a domestic setting was comforting considering the majority of their time was spent in make-shift kitchens across the country.

"Want anything to drink?"

"Coffee?"

"Somehow I knew you would say that. Just this one time because I don't want you to be a zombie for later." JJ put the coffee on and the two began to eat.

"Did your mom cook for you a lot growing up?"

JJ was caught a little off guard by the question, taking a sip of water to give her time to answer. "Yea, well we were busy but we always had Sunday dinners together. Mom would spend all afternoon in the kitchen and dad would watch football. Typical things like that. It was the only day of the week I didn't have soccer practice so." She trailed off, absently moving the food around on her plate.

"You'll have to show me those soccer skills this weekend. See the infamous Jareau in action."

"Ha ha, you wish." JJ played along wit

"Take out the little cousins score a couple goals on them. A few slide tackles. I heard it gives them character." Emily poked her tongue out unconsciously, getting up to pour herself a cup of coffee when it started to percolate. "Mugs?"

"Top right cabinet. And I guess we will have to see, I wouldn't want to hurt your ego."

"Oh please, you have no problem doing that every other day." Emily poured herself a cup, grabbing JJ's water off the table to refill it before she sat back down. "and I already saw those plaques in the living room Miss MVP so now I have to see for myself."

JJ's face scrunched up and she let out a rush of air, "You talk big game."

"Is your jersey like hanging from the rafters in the gym? Could I maybe get your autograph? " The brunette was smirking as she sat back down, her voice overly dramatic to emphasize her teasing.

"Shut up," JJ kicked her friend under the table, relaxing comfortably into the atmosphere that settled around them. She reached across the table, grabbing ahold of Emily's mug and taking a sip.

The brunette raised a brow feigning anger, "Really? The audacity of people these days. First you kick me then you take my coffee."

The blonde laughed behind the rim of Emily's mug before taking another sip just for effect. "My house my rules." The brunette just shook her head and went back to eating.

"Whenever you're done we are gonna have to change before we go out." JJ unconsciously played with her hair, pulling at split ends. It was a habit she hated but had developed throughout high school and whenever she was back home she found herself doing it.

"Where are we going?" Emily retrieved her mug from JJ's side of the table, relishing the heat of the ceramic on her hands. She raised a brow inquisitively as she took a sip, tasting the remnants of her friends chapstick on the brim. It happened sometimes and Emily wasn't proud to admit it but she found peace in the emotional intimacy of it. Plus it always made Emily want to laugh that her friend, as a liaison that maintained a mature and professional persona for a living, only used cake batter flavored chapstick.

"It's a surprise. We just have to change into our bathing suits and some comfy clothing because we are gonna bike there." JJ tried to read Emily's reaction unsure of whether or not the older agent was receptive towards the idea.

"Sounds good. If I drop dead just throw me onto your bike handle bars and I'll come to eventually." Laughter bubbled between them as they finished their meal, quickly cleaning up the table. JJ directed the brunette to the guest room where she had stored her friends bag. "Don't forget to wear your bathing suit, I'll come back to get you when I'm ready." She went down the hall to her own room, excited at the prospect of sharing a nice day off without any interruptions.

000

Emily was startled by a knock at the door, already having been changed for the past 15 minutes.

"Em, you awake? Sorry I took so long to change, just got caught up in being in my old room. You know how that goes."

The brunette didn't know but she spared herself and JJ the sob story as if she wasn't already the epitome of the ignored rich kid with emotional issues character trope. If anything, she would try to keep her cool this weekend solely for the sake of her dignity. "Yup, I'm all set." She fiddled with the watch around her wrist, taking it off and leaving it on the bed before getting up and following the blonde out of the room.

"Hey mom, Em and I are leaving we will be back later for dinner." Emily didn't hear the returning comment but she was sure it was some overprotective warning that was unnecessary to say to adults but second hand nature for Sandy. The two walked silently to the garage, JJ flicking on a light to reveal a pair of bikes leaning against the concrete wall surrounded by old sports gear. "I promise my moms not a hoarder just...maybe a hoarder for things that have emotional significance?"

"Its sweet, your brother played football I'm guessing?" Emily shuffled around to observe the old helmets lined up on the shelf before moving to help JJ get the bikes out of the garage.

"Yea for pretty much his entire life." They started to wheel the bikes out together.

"Aw, is this you?" Emily pointed to a picture that was slightly tucked behind the others.

"Nope, that's Rose." That brunette saw the striking resemblance between the two but upon further observation could tell that it in fact wasn't JJ. The legs were longer and the hair was too dark.

"Sorry." Emily flexed her grip on the handle bars of the bike as it rolled down the driveway, feeling awkward.

"Don't be." The conversation ended as fast as it began. "Just follow me it's a short ride," JJ shot Emily a smile over her shoulder as she pushed off the sidewalk and took off. The brunette tied her hair back then trailed after the agent ahead of her. The ride wasn't urgent. JJ setting a lazy pace bringing the two past fields and through a wooden area.

"It's beautiful out here," Emily tried to soak in her surroundings, easily able to get distracted with barely any traffic passing through.

"It's home." JJ led them to a single lane bridge and reared off of the small road to the side, parking her bike against a fence post that surrounded an open field.

"Jay, the sign says private property and I'm not sure I'm interested in fighting any crazy Easy Allegheny hicks we might find out here." Emily surveyed the property, reading the signs posted to the fence.

"Don't worry we aren't going in there. And do I qualify as a crazy East Allegheny hick?" JJ started walking towards the bridge they had biked past, backpack slung over one shoulder as her shoes crunched the stone of the unpaved road.

"Most definitely." Emily widened her stride to catch up to the blonde, "So what are we doing all the way out here?"

"You see that yellow bridge?"

"Yea?" Emily narrowed her eyes suspiciously at JJ.

"We are going to jump off of it."

"Well I'm glad you didn't tell me that before you dragged me out into the woods because I definitely would have said no."

"Like you could say no to me?" JJ raised a brow, challenging the brunette in a light-hearted manner. While she said it jokingly, her suggestive tone implied she knew she had Emily wrapped around her finger.

Emily opened her mouth to argue, as she scoffed. "Oh please I- well..." A frustrated blush crept across her face as she came up short, "Shut up, Jareau. I would do many things for you but I'm not sure if jumping off a bridge is one."

"Then we can just sit on the edge, it's beautiful looking down on the water and who knows," JJ battled her lashes and pouted her lip, "Maybe you'll decide to jump." JJ couldn't help the grin that broke out on her face as Emily shoved her and rolled big brown eyes.

"Let's sit then." Emily, all long limbs, clambered over the safety rail, leaning back against it as she took a seat and dangled her feet over the edge. With practiced ease, JJ dropped her bag, climbed over and took a seat next to her friend. They sat silently for a moment, soaking in the scene before them. It had to be about seven o'clock. The sun hung low in the sky, winking in the glistening reflection of the water.

Emily swung her legs, feeling the breeze tickle her calves. She peeked at JJ, surprised by the stoic look on her friends face. This wasn't just any ordinary afternoon or place to hang out. "Jayje..." She spoke hesitantly. The younger agent just shook her head. So Emily scooted closer to JJ until their thighs brushed and looked ahead, remaining silent. Fifteen minutes passed, Emily letting her leg swing every now and then to knock into JJ's.

"I think about her everyday." JJ ran her hands through her hair taking out the ponytail just to tie it up again.

The brunette had an inkling that this spot had something to do with Rose. "I know."

"She used to take me here whenever she could. She showed it to me on the day before tryouts for soccer. I had told her how scared I was and she took me here and told me to jump. I was terrified. I hated heights and I was so young it felt like I was miles up. We did it together. We jumped and I felt like if I could do that, I could do anything. It sounds stupid I know but Ros believed in me. She always did. She showed me that growth is never comfortable and I know I never would have made it out of this town without her."

Emily recognized the quiver in JJ's bottom lip and at this point she thought tears were imminent but they did not come. A single tear slid down her friends face but that was it. She turned towards JJ, giving the liaison her undivided attention.

"I'm not sad. I mean I am. I miss her everyday but that's not what this is about. I haven't been back since she died." The sky started to bleed as the sun set and JJ took comfort in it, as if it was weeping for her. "I wanted to take you here today because without Rose I never would have left and I never would have met you. When she died-," JJ swallowed thickly before correcting herself, "When she killed herself, I thought I would never be able to come back here again. But in some way you made that possible." She stopped there, not trusting herself to continue. Emily felt her heart swell. She wrapped one arm around JJ's shoulder and tugged her into a crooked embrace; the blonde laughed a little, crying and burying her face into Emily's shoulder.

The rawness of the moment was so overwhelming that Emily had no response other than to clutch at her friend. "C'mere, c'mon." Leaning heavily on the railing, Emily stood and tugged JJ up with her. They stood together, right on the edge. The brunette kicked off her shoes.

"Emily," JJ sniffled, smiling up at her, "You don't have to jump."

"I want to. Growth is never comfortable." She untangled herself from JJ but kept a firm grip on her friends wrist.

JJ pulled away for a second but only to lace their fingers together. She took off her shoes and wiggled her toes, looking down over the water.

Emily followed Jennifer's gaze, fear twisting in her stomach. She felt her palm being squeezed. JJ's fingers grasping that much harder, in a crushing, desperate sort of way. It was in that moment Emily realized it. She was in love with JJ. The feeling knocked the wind straight from her chest. Emily had so easily accepted the death and destruction around her in a way that most never understood. She walked through life lightly. But the sudden awareness that came over her was so heavy that it settled like a brick in her stomach, threatening to drag her entire being down. So she did the only thing she could do without ruining her friendship with JJ. She squeezed back and let the weight take her down, jumping of the bridge with JJ beside her.

The water splashed around them, hands broken apart during the fall. Emily tried to stay down for as long as she could, letting the cold river seep into her bones. She finally came back up, running her hands through her hair when she saw JJ treading nearby. Things didn't have to change. Underneath the surface, Emily had decided that she would always be what JJ needed her to be. She swam over to her friend. JJ looked at peace, gently swimming against the current.

"Thank you." She peered at the brunette, taking in everything from this moment from the sound of the river rushing to the droplets of water clinging to the clumps of Emily's lashes.

"Anything. Always." Emily stuck to short sentences. Clean cut and concise was her nature. Sudden revelation or not, she had to keep herself together.

"Lets get going. Its cold as hell in here."

0000

As soon as they got back to the house, things went back to normal. Like JJ hadn't just barred her soul and like Emily hadn't just realized she wanted to spend forever watching JJ do just that. Dinner had been cordial. JJ telling the truth about where they went but leaving out the part about Rosaline. Emily felt guilty like she was keeping a secret but she would never want to share that moment with anyone anyway. Together they finished their meals and went upstairs.

Emily broke the silence first, "Goodnight Jay."

"You don't have to sleep in the guest room if you don't want to. I've got plenty of space in my room." JJ's hand hovered on her doorknob as she leaned against the door.

"I'll be okay. Thank you though." The brunette felt her throat constrict. She could never share a bed with JJ again. They would never wake up together like they used to sometimes when JJ got cold and snuggled just a little too close. It would be wrong. She felt shameful, predatory.

"Alright, Goodnight Em. I'll see you tomorrow."


End file.
